Loneliness and longing
As I lay in bed watching a movie we talked about during our only date, I found myself wondering if I’m starting to think about her less often. It saddened me. I don’t want to forget those beautiful moments, the feelings I experienced when I was with her. The sharp memory of that immediate pain is also fading. She probably never thinks about me. Did I ever truly deserve her? To me, she remains the epitome of beauty. It’s hard to believe that I lost her. I don’t feel capable of being with anyone else. I spend evenings on my patio swing, hours on end, engulfed in loneliness, just missing her. Why did I become so attached? Someday, I might muster the courage to read our text messages, but the thought terrifies me; it could devastate me emotionally. She was my first and only love, and it feels like my greatest failure that I can’t be with her. A single text from her could send me soaring, giving me a rush akin to a ton of cocaine, but I know that’s a chance that will never come.