Life's Okay
Life is going okay. I’ve had a ton of distractions and events that have brought me closer to my family, and I am grateful for those moments. They have given me confidence that, no matter what happens with my career, I will be fine as long as I work hard and diligently. However, I do not find any fulfillment at work. I show up and try to work as hard as I can, but it is tough. I have accepted that I will let external forces determine my fate.
I am currently reading a biography of Jason Gould, and it is very inspiring. Back in those days, the world seemed simpler. The book talks about Thomas Edison and how he couldn’t find a job as an engineer because he lacked a college education. He was 27 and unemployed, yet he went on to achieve great things. I aspire to do great things as well. So if I get fired, it will likely be very hard for some time, but I believe that everything will work out just fine.
On my days off, I consume myself thinking about her, mostly missing her. The finer details are starting to fade, but I still feel a sense of loss. I keep asking myself questions: Why didn’t it work out? Do I deserve this? I fear I know the answers but still can’t help feeling sorry for myself.
Sometimes, I get the urge to look her up online and see how she’s doing professionally or romantically. She’s the only one who ever paid a little attention to me, and I paid all the attention in the world to her. It’s really hard for me to picture a life with anyone else right now. My sister-in-law is staying with us for a couple of weeks. My brother’s life is his, and if he is happy with her, then so be it.
But I am constantly reminded of her (CG), and sometimes I wonder how she would fit into my family. There probably doesn’t exist a world in which I am together with her, and this makes me very sad.
On the business front, we are making quite a bit of progress. We are going to get possession of the third store next week and will be very much in debt. I am praying that this works out because it is really important to me.